the purpose of this blog was to explore a more adult second life, and i have been slacking. the truth is i really do not know how to properly “explore” second life, on an adult level.
so lets talk about something that chews on my brain. something i don’t talk much about.
in 2007 i met a man and fell in love with him and spent 5 years trying ever so hard to please him, the unpleasable. we lived on a bdsm island, and i would sit there jealous of the pets and slaves. girls and boys who sat obediently at their owners feet. my own partner considered himself a dominant however he never tried to practice this sort of thing with me, sure he told me what to do, he expected obedience, but he never really deserved it. he constantly told me switches do not exist, and that i was not a submissive because i was not just 100% on the floor subservient to him at all times.
i knew he was wrong, i’m not stupid, but my self esteem at that point was at an all time low, and i basically just gave up on the whole idea. he controlled me via abuse, not out of love or respect.
here we are in 2015, i still sit and watch those submissives with a twinge of jealousy. my real life is rather vanilla, this is not something i can do in reality. the idea of being subby here, in this virtual place, is appealing to me, however finding someone who could actually take care of me still remains out of my reach.
my brain is a rubik’s cube, but for things to work correctly, you would have to solve it while colourblind, and probably in the dark. i cannot just randomly give myself over to some fly by night dom in a sex club. that is not what i am interested in.
so i still wait, this chair sits empty. someday he’ll arrive, sweep me off my feet, bring control to my chaos.
for now, i wait.